The Power of “I”

In last month’s newsletter I wrote about irritating habits and how to cope with them. I mentioned that a useful turn of phrase is “When you do that I feel…”.

Since then I have been asked a lot about this and why it is “better” than “You make me feel….”

My preference for “I” is based on the following:

1. No one can “make you feel” something. We know this is true because if someone tells you that you are stupid and deep down you think you might be stupid, you resent their comment. If you never think of yourself as stupid a comment like that would be water off a duck’s back.

What can happen is that when someone says or does a particular thing it triggers a response in us. It is important to note what that response is because it gives us an insight in to what is happening inside us.

So when someone does something that you find irritating, they aren’t MAKING you irritated. You find that behaviour irritating for your own personal reasons.

TIP: If you hear yourself saying “You make me feel” or “He/She made me feel” experiment with replacing that with an “I feel…” alternative.

2. Similar logic lies behind my preference for “I feel irritated when you…” vs. “You are irritating”. The individual is not irritating full stop. Their behaviour is triggering a response in you. I remember reading many years ago about how to discipline a naughty child. The book recommended saying to a child “You are acting like a naughty boy” rather than “You are a naughty boy”. The justification was that a child who is told he is a naughty boy will believe he cannot change his behaviour - it is who he is. The same principle applies in our conversations with adults. It is the behaviour that is irritating (behaviour can be changed) rather than the person.

3. Using “I” can be very uncomfortable. We Brits prefer to couch our language in unthreatening padding. Just think of a nurse in a hospital coming round the wards saying “And how are we today?”

But “we” can be confusing, particularly when you are in a leadership position. If you tell your team “We’re not hitting our deadlines, are we?” although the truth is that certain individuals are not hitting their deadlines, the effect of your comment may be to remove responsibility from those who aren’t hitting the deadlines and undermine the good work of those who are.

Saying “I am concerned that you aren’t meeting your deadlines” directly to the individuals concerned can be powerful.

4. “I” sentences often involve using the language of “emotion”. “I feel disappointed…”, “I am concerned…”, “I would prefer…” give those we are talking to an insight in to our feelings. This can be a useful motivation tool. Constant reference to “You” e.g. “You never…” or “You can’t…” zaps motivation. But a leader who is able to share how he/she feels is likely to gain respect and enable others to speak on an emotional level too.

You may find that people in your team, your family or your friends start talking about how they feel because you’ve opened the door to that. Just try it and see what happens!